Live-in relationship is not an unusual phenomenon that it used to be a decade ago. Popular literature, films and recently, some web series too have shown live in couples as protagonists. Salaam Namaste, Cocktail, Shuddh Desi Romance, Ok Jaanu, Pyaar Ka Punchnama, Lukka Chuppi, Little Things, Permanent Roommates and Lovebytes prove this point. Last year, the Supreme Court of India, too said in a ruling that an adult couple has a right to live together without marriage.
The conservative society, however, is still not comfortable with an unmarried couple living together. Relationship expert and communication trainer Sushama Datar, says, “Live-in relationship still hasn’t been accepted by society. It requires a lot of courage from both the partners before getting into such a relationship because of the taboo attached.”
And yet, many adults are choosing it, some openly, and many clandestinely. Dr Makrand Thombare, counsellor, psychotherapist and relationship expert believes that the number of live-in couples are growing because the concept of marriage is becoming very complicated in our country. “It was always complicated but because of the generation gap and lack of communication, it’s become even more complicated now. The expectations of the parents and their children do not match. Youngsters are experimenting and breaking the cultural taboos. They want to try and live in with their partners.”
We spoke to some live-in couples and realised that they had different ways to look at the concept. For some, it’s a casual fling, for a few, it’s love and for many, it’s lack of belief in the institution of marriage. With the change in their outlook, their way of handling the relationship or the break up too changes.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED
Preeti Goyal, an MBA graduate from a city college shifted with her boyfriend, who is studying in the same college, after staying in a hostel for a year. Goyal isn’t the only one who prefers living with her boyfriend. More and more college students, who are staying away from families in a different city, are opting to live with their partners, even if it’s for a year or two.
Most of these youngsters believe in going with the flow. It’s not love that influences their decision but the fact that they are able to break free from the restrictions imposed on them for years. Goyal says, “I got to know my boyfriend in college and we connected immediately. After staying in a hostel for a year, I decided to move in with him because I was getting to spend quality time with him, go out with him and do combined studies. More than that, I knew that I would be going back to my hometown soon after finishing my studies. So I made most of my time here along with getting a degree.”
Pune being an education hub, it’s a common sight to find many foreign students living in together. Even students from smaller cities are joining the list. Most of these relationships are without any deep emotions attached. It’s like spending two years in the city and making the most of your time here. Tarikh Iqbal, originally from Lucknow, was living in with his girlfriend for two years. Iqbal continues to work in Pune while his former girlfriend shifted to another city. “My girlfriend is Hindu and we were very clear from the beginning that we will not get emotionally attached to each other. Because we belonged to different religions, we knew that our respective families will not agree to our match and none of us were ready to marry against our family wishes. But, because both of us liked spending time with each other, we decided to live together and enjoy the present,” Iqbal says.
Both of them had accepted the situation and hence there weren’t any heartbreaks. “We were pretty chilled with the fact that we would be living together for two years and then moving out. That way, things were less complicated,” he adds.
A PRACTICAL DECISION
Many young adults believe cohabitation is a good way to test their relationships prior to marriage. And it’s also a practical decision. Rather than paying double rents or salaries of maids, cooks, etc, it makes sense to live in and save money. In fact, it’s becoming a more common trend in big cities like Pune.
Disha Banerjee was living in with her boyfriend for three years, before marrying him one and half years back. Sharing her reasons, she says, “We shifted in together because we wanted to spend more time with each other. What used to happen is that either I had to travel to his place or he would to mine and in the process, we couldn’t spend too much time together. So we decided to move in and it was economical too. Instead of paying separate rents and other stuff, we ended up saving money.”
Nancy, an IT professional decided to live in with her boyfriend several years ago because she was in love and wanted to take the relationship to the next level (marriage). “But I wasn’t sure if we could live together as I come from a very liberal family while his is an orthodox one. Initially, he was also happy about me wearing short dresses and drinking with friends but slowly as a year passed, he became possessive. He started abusing me in front of his friends. I tried adjusting but I realised that the relationship couldn’t go further and I did not want to marry him. Now that I am happily married to someone else, I realise that I took a wise decision.”
LONELY SOULS
For working professionals living in cities, the bond is a little more emotional and intimate though. They are independent, earning well, staying away from their families but most of them lack companionship. Most of the working professionals get into live-in relationships either because they are in love or they need someone they can share some good moments with.
Rishab Singh, a real-estate employee, was in a live-in relationship for three years. Though his girlfriend married someone else because they belonged to different castes, Singh still calls it the best phase of his life. “I knew her because I run PG services in the city. We got to know each other and liked each other’s company. So we started to live together. It wasn’t because we were physically attracted or anything but because we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. When you are living alone, you need someone to be there for you, someone with whom you can share your feelings,” he says. He adds that after living together for three years, his girlfriend’s wedding got fixed and the six months after that were the toughest part of his life.
Suresh Rao, an IT professional lived with his girlfriend for two years before she decided to go to Germany last year. “I hadn’t decided that I would be in a live-in, but it happened. She started coming over to my place because I used to stay alone. She would spend the entire day at my place and sometimes, the night. We gradually decided that she would move in without her family knowing. None of us wanted to get into marriage because we were in our early 20s. Live-in was the most sensible option. We had common interests too — we both loved working out, exploring new places, watching movies and so on. That kind of made things easy for us,” he says.
When you invest emotions, coping with the break-up, should it happen, can be very difficult. Because as a couple, you were living with that person 24x7, sharing happiness, distress and numerous moments. Suddenly living apart can be challenging for any individual. “I got to know about her marriage five months before it and it was very difficult coping up with it because I was so used to her being with me. I had thought that those moments would never go away and we would living together forever. I was completely depressed and it started affecting my work. That’s when I decided to take control over my life. My friends and work too helped me out. I still miss her but I have never thought of ruining her life,” recalls Singh.
Because his girlfriend decided to end the relationship and move abroad, Rao couldn’t handle the loneliness and moved back to his hometown Hyderabad. “The person who decides to end the relationship is always more prepared than the other. I was heart-broken and thought if I continued staying in Pune, I would need someone to be there for me and get into another relationship. Back home, I had my family, so moving back kind of helped me to stop thinking much about her and the times we spent together.”
Datar adds that since there is no legality attached to such a relationship, it’s easier to break up. “Divorce is still a very difficult thing in India. Rather than getting into a marriage and then divorcing the person, people are preferring to live in. Having said that, the level of commitment is still the same as that in marriage,” she points out.
CHAMPIONSHIP FOR ELDERLY PEOPLE
If you thought, live in is the choice made by youngsters, think again. A certain section of senior citizens from the city too are opting for it. Madhav Damle founded Happy Seniors, a club for senior citizens in 2012. Either divorcees or those who have lost their spouses, can find live-in partners through the club. If they become compatible, they end up marrying. “The single senior citizens, who are living alone have a tough time. In many cases, their children and family members don’t take care of them. Through live-in, they can take care of each other,” says Damle, adding that their members mostly belong to upper middle-class.
Of course, it was difficult to pitch the idea initially because the concept is not acceptable in society. “But now more people are open to the idea. Also, we suggest live-in because if two people get married and have compatibility issues, things might end up in divorce, which is still an expensive and lengthy process. This is a much better idea to start off. Having said that, out of 40 matches that we have done, 30 couple have got married after moving in,” he adds.
DOS AND DON’TS
So if you are fine with the concept, by all means, go for it. But keep some things in mind before doing so. Thombare says that when people decide to get into live-in, they should be careful about certain aspects. “Awareness, acceptance and transformation are the three important aspects before getting into long term live in relationship. Are you aware about yourself and your partner, are you ready to accept the person as they are? Are you ready to transform yourself for your partner? Ask yourself these questions. If you are ready, only then get into such a relationship,” he advises.
He also warns that there are chances of a person getting manipulated by their partner. “When you are living together, you share many of your personal details with the person including financial and your past. There are chances of the other person exploiting you after getting the details. So you have to be careful about the step you take,” he points out.
Though Indian law is still unclear about the status of such relationship, certain rights have been granted by amending the existing legislations so that either of the partners does not misuse the relationship.
