Ever since the @boislockerroom controversy broke, social media is abuzz with women and men tut-tutting over it. The men have taken a stance on how it’s not right and how we need to respect females. The women, however, have one common refrain. They are angry, and they are vocalising it with ‘Why are we not surprised about this?’ subtext.
And, that is what is alarming. All females, at some point or the other, have been objectified, slut-shamed, threatened and questioned. This comes on the heels of Nirbhaya judgement, the #Metoo movement and the Hyderabad doctor’s case, which makes one wonder what more steps need to be taken to keep our women safe.
The answer is simple and has been repeated ad nauseam – ‘Be the change you want to see in others’. If you want your kids to behave responsibly, then please be responsible for yourselves.
ROLE OF PARENTS AND SCHOOLS
Rama Sarode, legal consultant and advocate for Prevention of Sexual Harassment at Workplaces (POSH), says, “I was following the news and the principal of one of the schools which these teenagers attended, said that the school has been holding workshops and sessions on gender and cybercrime and harbouring respect for each other. Obviously, all of this hasn’t been internalised.
"I think a lot of responsibility also lies with the parents; they should have an open conversation with their children. The adults should explain through their behaviour and actions that the children need to have respect for everyone, and also for the one they want to be in a relationship with. In this incident, I think this is what is missing.”
A 23-year-old college student, Rasika Korde opines, “It is not right to blame the parents, or the school, educational institutes alone. This is a result of negligence by each of them. Parents tend to ignore their kids’ behaviour or actions in the name of freedom. The educational institutions too many times, forget that it takes more than just conducting sessions on gender equality or cybercrime to make the youngsters understand the seriousness of their crimes.”
Sandra Fleming, a 14-year-old, too echoes Korde’s sentiments. She feels that these issues shouldn’t be discussed just once a year. “If we talk and discuss them often, only then will we be comfortable in reporting abuse and misbehaviour to our friends, families and teachers.”
Fleming, who is guided by her two elder sisters, points out, “My elder sisters help me understand and teach what is wrong and what is right. I think the kids should be using gadgets responsibly. These boys misused them, and therefore they indulged in wrong practices.”
IT ALL BEGINS AT HOME
Why are boys disrespecting girls? Is it because their parents have failed to take up their responsibility seriously?
Educationist Dr Tarita Shankar, Chairperson, Indira Group of Institutes, who is also a mother of two teenage boys, strongly believes that it’s not schools but parents who need to mould their children. In a post on Instagram, she has written, ‘‘Boys will be boys’ is only related to how we bring up our boys... the ‘boys locker room’ has its roots in wrong parenting. Every parent with sons, deep dive within yourself and find out where and how can this be eradicated!’
Tarita, whose elder son is 22 and younger one is 16, says, “I believe that school comes later; first it’s the duty of the parents, especially the mother, to freely talk to their sons about the changes in their body, women, live-in relationship, sex, how to control their mind etc. That conversation has to start at a young age.”
She adds that even as an educationist, she asks parents and children to open up. “In my family, we have formed a group where there are young children. They can discuss anything with us. The biggest problem is that most parents do not talk to their children.”
Shalini Gupta, a mother of a 16-year-old son, says that she too has sensitised her son and openly discusses things with him from an early age. “I have always spoken quite openly to my son about women, respecting them and other things revolving around them. We used to live in Singapore, and there it’s very normal to wear short skirts. So I also started wearing skirts since he was young. So, for him, it’s quite normal to see women wear short skirts or any kind of clothing.”
Both women agree that it all depends on the parents what kind of atmosphere they create at home. “It’s the parents who have to create a healthy atmosphere at home. How the father treats the mother is important,” Gupta says.
She adds that because she has been quite open with her son, she has never noticed anything on his part where she had to point out that he was wrong. “That’s my upbringing. He shares everything with me. I always show him the right and wrong path. I also tell him that the wrong path will attract him more, and he has to make a choice. I believe that parents need to give more attention to their boys because we keep giving hundreds of instructions to girls from a young age anyway,” she points out.
RESPECTING SPACE
In the virtual world, we all have experienced a violation of our space and our thoughts; we have been questioned and abused. Perhaps the Delhi school students have taken their cues from online behaviour, where most people can get away by trolling and abusing. Sarode lists some dos and don’ts.
“Everyone should follow basic social etiquettes. It’s not right to post a girl’s photo or pass sexually coloured remarks. Adults need to be careful, especially when you don’t agree with someone’s views on social media. It is not right to abuse; it is not right to invade someone’s privacy. These are the lessons that we need to imbibe, and they have to be repeated again and again. This behaviour has to be reflected by adults. If the kids don’t see adults behaving decorously, in school or at home, then these workshops on gender sensitisation or sex education won’t mean a lot to them,” she maintains.
In many cases, men and women too, harbour offensive behaviour, because they choose to keep quiet. By keeping quiet, they become complicit in the crime that is being committed.
Twentyseven-year-old Rebant Jacob points out that like many others, he too is a part of his all-boys school group. Still, he hasn’t come across such behaviour on the chat. “However, that is a closed space, so it is easier to monitor the content and use dignified words, but it is not the same on other platforms, where we come across some meme or content that is objectifying a gender.
"In such cases, if an acquaintance has shared the objectionable content, I make sure that I reach out to them personally and get it down. With the pages (for college groups), it becomes difficult because the Direct Messages are not necessarily viewed. But I do report such images and also ask my friends to do the same,” he says.
The Merchant Navy officer adds that social media platforms are a space where people come to stay connected and have fun. Still, the fun needs to be harmless and not intended towards a gender.
Shrihari Rathi, a hotelier, says that most men do post offensive content online, but this behaviour can be discouraged by other sensible men, who can tell them, ‘You are wrong.’ The Mumbai-based youngster says, “I call out people who indulge in this stupidity. I want to make my social media profiles safe for women, and I want them to know that there are a few men that they can trust, who will definitely stand up against this behaviour in society. There are mothers, daughters, sisters and friends and I think it is important to keep them safe and being with like-minded men is a step closer to achieving this.”
DON'T VICTIMISE
A cursory glance at the social media posts following the expose of the boys gone wrong has taken the usual trajectory. What about the girls who expose their inner thighs on TikTok, asked one user on Twitter. What about girls who discuss boys, asked another?
“The answer,” says Sarode, “is to not get into this whataboutery. The moment we get into this debate, we are not questioning the perpetrator/s. But we are questioning the survivors, and that’s not the right thing to do. We need to question the perpetrator — ‘Why have you violated the girl?’ ‘ What made you do that’?”
Being on social media sites is a choice that everyone has to make. Each one of us has to be responsible. It’s not that girls who wear skimpy clothes and are stepping out at night are being raped. That’s not right and we know that.
“Each one of us has a choice on how to present ourselves. But we do get into social pressure or peer pressure. ‘My friend is on TikTok/Instagram, so I need to be there as well’ is what most kids say. How do you overcome these pressures? You have to be assertive and say, ‘I don’t want to be on this platform… I don’t like it’. That’s something we have to inculcate as a habit and as an attitude in boys and girls,” she adds.
The advocate also draws attention to the fact that we need to support the traumatised girl whose photos were shared. “How do we get her out of the whole guilt trip because it is not her fault? This is what we should be dealing with. We have a long way to go when it comes to issues like sexuality education, to be responsible, respecting another person’s personal space.”
To begin with, don’t forward or laugh at rape jokes.
“Rape jokes are not funny, rape is not funny at all. The teenaged boys using this word so casually indicates that this is the beginning of the rape culture at its youngest. It should open our eyes as a society — parents, siblings, teachers and even friends should stand up against this nonsense,” says Jacob, adding, “Right now, only girls are being questioned – log kya kahenge. Boys too need to be moral-policed.”
Sakshi Raheja, who has experienced harassment online many a time, says that sex education will help these kids understand where they are going wrong. And, those boys who are unrepentant so far, must face strict punitive action. Many girls agree with her.
Pratiksha Jain, a college student, believes that the transgressors need to be strictly punished because they were aware of their actions.
“The 15 and 16-year-old boys shouldn’t be let off just because they are minors. I am sure they knew the import of their words and actions. Therefore, we should punish them just like any other criminal,” says Jain.
Shail Shukla admits that she was scared and wondered if any of her classmates would do something like this to her. “We are so clueless; we are not prepared for something like this. It could happen with us as well. But this is the harsh reality, and therefore I think that punitive action should be taken against them,” she adds.
PRIVILEGED vs DEPRIVED
In the well-publicised Nirbhaya case and the rape and murder of the Hyderabad doctor, the perpetrators came from economically and socially deprived sections of society. But the abuse against women is found in all sections of society.
“In such cases, your background doesn’t matter. The only difference I see between the privileged and deprived sections of society is that the former have better access to social media, internet connectivity. When it comes to hormonal or behavioural traits, I don’t see much of a difference. It doesn’t mean that just because you are a privileged person, you are responsible or vice versa. These cases are not emanating from a particular class, caste. It is more to do with how we are engaging with the children, educating them to be responsible. And these lessons have to start at the beginning, in ways they understand. You cannot say that these lessons will come after a particular age, in typically Grades VII, VIII, and IX,” observes Sarode.
Talking about the school system, Rathi points out that there is hardly any conversation about gender sensitivity. In fact, in many schools and colleges, boys and girls are supposed to not talk at all. He says that our pop culture has been perpetuating toxic male behaviour for so long that it’s now entrenched in both genders.
“Women have been objectified through ‘item songs’, stalking has been romanticised as love, meme culture has normalised, sending nudes as jokes… while we hold these boys accountable for their despicable behaviour, we need to start having larger societal conversations about changing cultural norms. Thus, the under-18 boys have more to aspire to than ascribe to the lowest bar of being ‘just boys’, set by patriarchy and accepted by us,” he concludes.
— With inputs by Ambika Shaligram, Debarati Palit Singh, Alisha Shinde and Anugraha Rao
