Pune: "Not everyone is going to accept my sexual orientation, but it’s my journey, not theirs," believes Sapna who recognizes herself as a lesbian.
The 37-year-old is a mother of two children and believes that her orientation doesn’t define her parenting role.
Pune-based Mist, an online collective of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ+) had organised 'Queer talks and meetings 69' on the eve of the International Day against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia -- observed on May 17 to spread awareness about human rights of the LGBTQ+ community.
Communication with children is important
On this occasion, several community members came together to share their stories on this platform from various cities. Among them was Sapna, who now is a single parent. She was surprised at the reaction of her then-teenage daughter, who accepted her without any questions.
“I never declined any questions or denied the truth about my sexual orientation from my daughters. I have never hidden anything from them. I have always been open and vocal about my preference and my partner. They have been supportive of me,” said Sapna.
“It is a journey. Children are very perceptive, so you need to be very careful about what you tell them, considering what age they are and how receptive they can be at that particular age. For me, it is a continuous journey,” she added.
Although Sapna hasn’t experienced any homophobic attack, she worries her daughters shouldn’t be a victim to any. “I am a little sceptical of how it will be for them while growing up. What kind of reactions their peers will have. So far, they haven’t experienced anything bad or negative. But as a mother I am cautious. I am selective in making conversation with other parents because I don’t want to put my children through any kind of trauma,” Sapna told Sakal Times.
She also believes that gender doesn’t matter in parenting, “It is instinctive. There is no golden rule to it. We all make mistakes and live complicated lives.”
“I believe communication is the only key to sensitise your children about gender identity. Parents should show their children that it is acceptable and there is nothing different or wrong in accepting other people as people and not distinguish in terms of gender and sexuality. Here, it is important to know that as adults they should sensitise the children. We put a lot of thought into saying the education system needs to be more progressive and these things should be openly spoken in schools. But I think it should also start from home,” said Sapna who is a German language specialist.
Bullying
20-year-old Ashutosh Mane who is gay couldn’t hold back his joy when his father accompanied him to this online meet. “My parents are still trying to get comfortable about me being gay. They are taking small steps. It was the first time that my father attended such kind of a meet. About three-four months back when I told him about my sexual identity, he mentioned it quite clear that it would take some time to process and understand all of this, adding that he will not stop me from doing anything or sharing my story with people,” he said.
Narrating his story at the interaction, Mane said “I was in a boys’ school. When I was in Std X, on a women’s day, before the school hours begin, I was walking towards my classroom. One of my classmates yelled at me ‘Hey Ashutosh, happy women’s day!’ I knew for a fact that it was to belittle me in front of others and show me in light of weakness. When I got back home, I broke down on this incident. I was scared because I knew I have to go back to school the next morning.”
“A few of classmates also labelled a bunch of us as ladies, just because our body language wasn’t manly. They would call us women, chhakka, ladies, whenever they passed by. But at a point when you are alien to what is actually happening with you, one enters into denial. This takes a toll on mental health,” said Mane who is now a filmmaker and psychologist student.
Ignorance is also part of the phobia
Shyam Konnur is gay, and he shares his experience with the corporate. Phobia isn’t only about someone showing hatred towards the community, but it is also about ignorance, stated the 31-year-old.
“Even though people say I have a gay friend, I support you and I love you but still speak things which are offensive, falls under phobia according to me,” said Konnur.
Sharing an incidence he said, “I worked with a company that worked with several US-based companies that dealt with LGBTQ+ people. It was my initial days with the company and I had opened out to very few people there. During that time, one of my colleagues comes up with something on the screen and said look what kind of client I am working with and everyone laughed out loud. And few said, ‘oh, its gay men’s health association.’ My face turned red and it was so offensive because they were laughing at an organisation that worked for gay men’s health."
"It could be a very small thing but it hugely impacts people, at least to me it did," he added.
Konnur also highlighted how people claiming to be gender-sensitive turn out to make stereotypical gestures while defining gay men.
He also stated that one of the reasons for bullying is because bullies aren’t aware or exposed to these concepts -- what LGBTQ stands for, what does sexuality mean? What is the difference between sex and gender? It can be only addressed through sex education which is also about sensitivity and dignity and respecting each other and their choices.
